“A Room Is Not A House”


A letter written to the only true love in my life. Maryanne.

By Johan Bos



A room is not a house,

and a house is not a home when there's no one there.

Now and then, outloud I call your name,

and in my mind I see your face. But you're not there.

I reach out to touch you, and the hope becomes a flood of tears.


I look around my room and see a chair,

and through my tears I see you sitting there.

And again, I realize we're apart.

Then reality returns me to my broken heart.


My mistakes took us apart. Mistakes that hurt your soul.

I didn't know who you were. Your understanding I didn't see.

And now I'm lost without your tenderness and devotion that always covered me.


My purpose is no longer. Its meaningless goals I've abandoned.

I see now with my heart your value, character that was always present.

My memory has been reawakened to your delightful personality,

the personality so apparent when we met. I remember that day,

the sky opened and the ground shook.


The years and the world has changed us. Yet I still hold on to a dream.

A dream that seems to slip each day further from reach.

But hope remains. Its all I have in this lonely room.

My love for you has increased like I never knew possible.

A different love, one I didn't know was available.


Now that I've learned, through pain, real love, I ask,

please God, let it be that she's still in love with me.


Life is now vanishing.

For if a room is not a house,

then there is no hope for a home.


Oct. 30, 2020


As time goes by I realize my heartache doesn’t.

Not for my parents who have left, not for any

of my unseen children, and not for my love Maryanne.


Often I find my thoughts on her.

What is she eating. What is she doing this moment.

Is she warm, is she busy, is she sick.

Is she happy, is she laughing. The questions go on...


What is she thinking, is she tired.

Does her heartache. Does she have flowers.

  

...and I sit helpless, without answers and resourses.


Now my existance depends on a fantasy of hope.

But I’m okay as long as my family are alright.


Nov. 7, 2020


November seventh, a special day.

24 years ago my dreams came true on that day.


Nov. 21, 2020


I don’t want it to end

A love that’s gone on for years and years

can find a way back home.


Dec. 03, 2020


I love the place I live. The trees, the beauty, the climate.

The place my love and I moved to when our children were young.

There were many happy times. But life is a double edged sword.

Now alone, I constantly see the places my family and I would frequent.

The many hours we spent together.

My love and my children are no longer in my view.

It's become difficult to see the beauty of this place through my tears.

The sun rises and sets as it has always done,

but my soul is in constant darkness.


Dec. 16, 2020


An ocean of tears on this special day.

I love you Willem.


Dec. 25, 2020


He washed my eyes with tears

that I might see.

The broken heart I have

is good for me.

He tore it all apart and looked inside,

He found it full of fear

and foolish pride.

He swept away the things

that made me blind,

then I saw the clouds were silver lined.

And now I understand

that it was best for me,

He washed my eyes with tears

that I might see.


Feb. 26, 2021

Hello?

Can you hear me?

How is everyone?

I hear the voices,

but the telephone distorts them

making them unfamiliar,

and the connection I need with you

is heart breakingly lost.


Don't you realize the things we did

were all for real,

not a dream.

I can't believe they've

faded out of view.


Please telephone,

connect me in the way

I remember.

Bring to me the sounds that I cherished.

The sounds that gave me life.

Please telephone,

let me hear the faces

Please telephone,

don't deny me hope.


Aug. 9, 2021


You’re on my desktop and my phone


Every time I see your face it reminds me

of the places we used to go.

But all I have is a photograph.


I can’t get used to living

while my heart is broken.

My tears cry out for you,

and all I have is a photograph.


Oct. 14, 2021


This broken heart continues,

and until eternity is through

will I be over you.


Nov. 7, 2021


Joy and grief flow through the same tears,

piercing my soul.


Everything has lost its appeal.

Forced to become comfortably numb.


Please, find me,

I’m waiting for you.


It’s almost midnight.